Finally Life
by dapixam-q
Summary: Ryan/Seth. A bit of the first season finale reworked, although with no less angst. Was meant to be a prologue to a longer series, but is now a short, painful one-parter.


Disclaimer This author doesn't own The O.C. No copyright infringement is intended.  
  
Prologue. Ryan is walking into Seth's bedroom. Seth doesn't look over, can't – he is going to start crying if he does and the last thing he wants is for Ryan to leave Newport with Seth in tears as his last memory of him. From the hallway, Seth watched Ryan say goodbye to his parents downstairs. Seth thinks he's wearing the exact clothing he wore when he came to The O.C., looking more jaded than Seth will ever be.  
  
Seth is mad at Ryan. How can he do this? It's stupid, because it's not her fault that she's pregnant and she has every right to want to have the baby, but Seth is mad at Theresa. He's mad at his mom for being supportive of a young girl in need. How can Theresa do this and screw up Ryan's life like she is? Screw up Seth's life. Doesn't she understand that Ryan is the center of Seth's world? That Ryan is Seth's heart, replacing the sarcasm and longing and thinly veiled pain that used to sit in his chest? Seth needs Ryan desperately.  
  
"Hey, man" Ryan says.  
  
Seth has his iPod earphones stuck in his ears, but the volume's down so low, no music is coming out. He pulls them out and wraps the cord around his hand. "Hey," he says, nodding, glancing over, at Ryan's eyebrows instead of his eyes.  
  
"Ah. Got to jet," Ryan says.  
  
Seth nods. "Cool," he says, even though he doesn't mean it even a little. It doesn't sound like he means it. Which is fine. "You really got to go?"  
  
Ryan nods, slowly. "Yeah."  
  
"Well, if you need a nanny, I'll take the graveyard shift."  
  
"I think we'll manage."  
  
Seth sniffs. "I was afraid you'd say that."  
  
There's silence for a few seconds and Seth wants to do something to fill it up, like he always does. But it seems that with his heart, the sarcasm is leaving too and all he has left is the pain. And the longing.  
  
"You can come down and visit me," Ryan says.  
  
Seth doesn't smile. "Yeah."  
  
Another few seconds.  
  
"Alright, so I... I got you something. It's yours, you know. Might be good for ideas." Ryan's arm is extended, light blue paper folded in his hand. Seth takes it, taking special care to not touch his skin with Ryan's. He glances at it and wants to jump up and hit him... or himself... or a lamp, or something.  
  
He knows. He knows exactly how much he means to Seth or he wouldn't have done this. Hey, Dude, I'm leaving and I know you're going to be even more broken than I found you, so here's a map of where you were going when life was hell. Because that hell was nothing compared to the hell that's coming up.  
  
"A map of Tahiti," he says. "Thanks, Man."  
  
There's another few seconds of silence and this time Seth doesn't want to fill it up. The doorbell rings. Both of them look at the door, then at each other, then away.  
  
"I'll see you, then," Ryan says.  
  
"See yah," Seth says, putting the earphones back in his ears. He knows how this looks. He doesn't seem mature like he was going to when he thought this up – he looks spoiled and selfish and very, very immature, but he doesn't care anymore. He doesn't really care about much of anything.  
  
Ryan's turning to leave and there's a pain in Seth's chest so severe he can't breathe. When Ryan came here from Chino and he sat down with Seth in the living room and he put a spoon in his mouth, Ryan caught Seth's heart with a fishing hook and it stayed there, a strong but transparent fishing wire always there between them. It was always painful, that hook in his chest. The pain that came with watching Ryan fall in love with Marissa and not doing anything to stop it, and sitting with Ryan in the pool house, reading comic books and not leaning over and kissing him, and watching Ryan sleep on the floor of his room, seeing all the exposed skin and not licking him all over.  
  
He makes a noise that reminds him of some animal in pain on the Discovery Channel. He's jumping up before he can think about it and flinging his iPod away and grabbing Ryan by the shoulder. Ryan's body thumps against the wall with the force. Seth cups Ryan's face in his hands, strokes his cheek carefully, with his thumb.  
  
And he leans in, kissing Ryan for the first and last time. He rubs his lips against Ryan's softly, and then sneaks out his tongue. Ryan whimpers and brings his arms around Seth's body and their bodies crush together. Teeth clash and it's frantic and desperate and when Seth tears himself away, he's crying despite himself.  
  
Ryan pulls him back, this time without mouths and Seth is clinging to Ryan, needing the contact. He doesn't know who's holding who and he doesn't care, he's just... finally... so, so... complete. For the first and last time. Seth finds Ryan's ear with his mouth and kisses his temple, then, "I love you, dude. I love you."  
  
Ryan's not going to say it back and Seth can't bare it so he pulls away again and goes into his bathroom, closing and locking the door. He goes into his bathtub and sits down and pulls his legs to his chest and wraps his arms around them and cries until he can't breathe.  
  
He comes out later and the house is silent. Ryan's gone and with him, part of the Cohen family is gone.  
  
Seth takes the letters he wrote last night and puts them on his desk. He picks up his bag, hidden in his closet and his skateboard leaning against the wall and he leaves. 


End file.
